Finding Myself
by Ottawa gal
Summary: - On Hold - Neville returns from the DOM, and realizes he needs to start changing. Follow Neville on a journey to find himself, and a few others on his way. NL/HG
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – The beginning

Neville was having a bad day. His Gran has just returned from a meeting with the Order of the Phoenix. Her face was drawn and closed off. She walked right by the drawing room where Neville sat, not saying word, then heading upstairs to her room. In the middle of the day. Neville knew that meant one thing, she was going to take a numbing potion and sleep.

Neville bit his lip, but knew better then to say anything. Ever since he returned home from school, still healing from that frightful day the ministry, Gran hasn't been herself. Neville almost wished that she would have noticed his bravery, his courage as he fought with his friends. For as long as he could remember, he was never good enough, always too clumsy, too dumb, too shy, too quiet. This was just the sort of thing that his Gran had always wanted him to do, like his father. But she didn't say a word. Nothing. She didn't banter him about keeping his room clean, or about starting his homework, or about getting a tutor for the summer. She never even commented when he tripped in the foyer and broke the vase from Venice. She didn't even frown. Just fixed it, and went off.

Neville looked outside, seeing the midday sun and wondering about lunch. Should he even bother? He wasn't hungry. Not since he saw all the injuries from the department of mysteries, and realizing it could have been one of his friends who fell into that Veil, never to return.

Neville frowned, and bit his lip. Harry was devastated, that murderer, not-murder-according-to-harry, Sirius Black, was dead. It was so surreal. Dying by falling into a doorway. Neville shook his head. What was he expecting, to see death by Avada Kedavra? Maybe during duel, a fatal curse? Seeing someone die so… quietly, had shaken Neville up.

So caught up in his thoughts, Neville didn't notice the owl delivering the Prophet until it bit him hard on his hand, making him jump. Looking through the prophet, he noticed that that the ministry proclaimed He-Who-Cannot-Be Named was back, and that in an effort to protect the Wizarding world, there were going to be changes. 'Right' thought Neville disgustedly. He knew that there were Death Eaters in the Ministry, why not do searches for the death mark?? But he knew he was dreaming. The Ministry could claim to protect people, but he knew better. People were disappearing, dying. Attacks were occurring in increasing numbers. But they weren't in the newspapers.

"No more…" whispered Neville to himself. "I can't just stand by, and wait for change. I have to change." Mind made up, Neville made himself a list of things to do.

Master Defence against the Dark Arts

Master Herbology and Charms

Get in Shape

Learn wards and protective shields

Remember the fallen

He stared at his list a few minutes before heading to his room. He set up appointments for his tutors, deciding to drop all unnecessary courses. He did not need potions, Divination, Muggle 

studies or astronomy. Maybe not even history, but he wasn't sure if that would help him with defence, so he kept it. He made sure to get extra hours in with the Defence and Herbology tutor. He added a note for the Defence teacher to let him learn wards and protective spells too, and to send a book list for him.

To get in shape. Neville sat puzzled for a bit. He knew he needed to get in shape. Not being able to outrun the Death Eaters at the Ministry terrified him. He was sure he slowed the others down, and felt guilty every time he thought about it. 'If only I were good at potions' he thought, debating on focusing on potions again, even if he wasn't in the classes at Hogwarts; there was no way he did good enough to get in. But to practice potions on his own... He didn't want to punish himself, right?

"So no Potions" he muttered. 'Ok, I can buy them'. A weight loss potion, and a strengthening potion, and a nutrition potion. That way, he would loose the weight, and the nutrition potion would help him eat better. It was well known that nutrition potions changed how your taste buds worked, made things that were good for you taste better, and bad things become too sweet or salty. But how would he stay in shape? You can't take potions forever. Neville went over to his book case and pulled out a potion's book. Flipping through the pages, he found what he was looking for. A potion used by athletes to increase stamina, by making the user numb to the pain of the work out. That would give him a month to get his body use to working out, without feeling the effort. Then once he was off, he could continue. The book said that working out was the hardest at the beginning.

Could they all be mixed though? Neville debated sending a note to Professor Snape asking, but quickly threw that idea away. Hermione! Neville smiled to himself and sent her a letter. Thinking a bit more, he sent one off to Harry too, just to say hi.

To remember the fallen… Neville remembered seeing a clock at the Weasley's, that had a hand for all the family members. Maybe Neville could make one, and include his parents, himself and his granny. Maybe those who fought at the Ministry too? And Black. He might be scared of the idea of Black, but he was dead. And he did want to remember. The sound of Harry's anguished cry when Black fell through the veil haunted Neville. Yep, he'd have to be on it too.

Neville headed to Diagon Alley to get the potions and to visit the clock store. Turned out he need to get a piece of hair from everyone who he wanted on the clock. Well… that made things harder. So Neville bought the clock, and made sure to go over the instructions a few times with the store clerk before leaving. He could tell he was frustrating the clerk, but he didn't want to mess it up.

He was about to head home, when he saw Hermione in Flourish & Blotts, the book store. He heading over.

"Oy, Hermione!" he yelled over the crowd. Hermione gave him a startled look, then smiled back.

"Hi Neville. Oh, I looked it up, those potions are fine. But, " she said, looking down at his arms full of potions, "it looks like you already figured that out."

"I just got them in case you said they were fine" said Neville blushing. Hermione always made him nervous. Most people made him nervous actually, but especially Hermione. She was smart, brilliant actually, and he knew he wouldn't be winning any awards for smarts any time soon.

"Oh, can I have a piece of your hair?" Neville asked excitedly, forgetting his nervousness. Hermione looked at him oddly.

"It's for a clock" he said, embarrassed again. He pulled out the clock and showed her how it worked, while reprimanding himself silently. Who asks for someone's hair without explaining why. The Dark Arts used hair, so most people would think the worst. But, Neville thought, watching Hermione go through the manual excitedly, he was pleased that she didn't look scared, disappointed, or anything emotion that showed she might think he would want to use it in that way. 'She must trust me', he thought happily.

"This is amazing Neville! I should get one, how much was it?" she asked, returning the package.

"Um, not much" Neville replied, knowing it cost 4 gallons, and Hermione probably couldn't afford it.

"Here, take this one, it's like 2 gallons, and I can go get another later" Neville said.

"Are you sure?" Hermione asked while opening her purse. She had just under 2 gallons left.

"I'm a bit short, can I give you the change on the train? That's quite expensive, but it's worth it."

"Sure" he replied smiling. He would go get another clock later, but he'd need to stop by Gringotts.

"Oh, my parents are probably waiting for me, I have to go." Hermine's said, looking worried. Neville knew she was usually punctual, so understood her being worried. He knew his Gran was going to be sleeping till tomorrow with those potions, so he had nothing to do.

He watched her walk off, then remembered. "Hermione! Your hair". He grinned as she ran back flustered.

"Here" she said, spelling off some of her hair and giving it to him. Neville couldn't wait to be 16, just a month away, but he was jealous of Hermione anyways.

She stood there looking at him expectantly. Neville looked back blankly. "Right, thank you." He said, realizing he looked like an idiot. Hermione laughed at him, then took her wand out and cut a bit of his hair.

"For my clock" she said, turning and heading towards the Leaky Cauldron. Neville grinned to himself, watching her fade in the distance. She wanted my hair. Neville stood there staring for a few minutes, before he noticed strange looks heading his way from some witches walking by. 'Right, Gringotts then clock store'

The next week past like a blur for Neville. His Gran came and went, and he found himself preferring her gone. While he never liked her complaining about him constantly, since he did nothing right; he could not stand how she was acting now. It scared him. She would sometimes just watch him reading, or watch him during his tutoring sessions, but she rarely spoke to him. And she kept taking those potions... Often.

He wasn't sure if they were addictive, 'but they must be' he thought, since she was taking them so often. But then again, the potions he bought were ok for a month so maybe those ones were fine too. Neville figured he'd ask Hermione when he saw her next, she'd know.

Neville had started running and working out, and found himself enjoying it. He knew the potions helped, so he really hoped that it wouldn't be too hard once the month was up. He found himself very busy. Between his tutors, studying, training, and daydreaming, he barely missed Hogwarts. Normally he would ache inside all the time, but not this summer. He had to get better, had to improve. He would not have anyone die because of him. He wanted to make his parents proud. And not end up like them…

Neville had the clock set up, but was missing a few hairs. The Weasleys, Harry's, and Blacks. He got his Mom's and Dad's when he went to visit them, and got Luna to mail some to him. He made sure to explain why though, not that she would worry.

Then he had his chance to get the rest of the hair. An emergency Order call. Gran ran into the study, limping with her bad hips, and dragged him to the floo. He arrived, falling onto his knees, and quickly got out of the way. He frowned when he noticed Gran didn't fall or even stumble when she got out, but quickly forgot about it when he noticed everyone running around frantic. He went over by Ginny and Ron and sat quietly. Ginny said hi, before focusing her attention on the order. "Something happened to Harry" She whispered to him, her eyes red.

Neville looked at her startled, and paid closer attention. Soon all the able-bodied order members were gone, and it was just him, Ginny, Ron and Molly. She looked horrible, frowning and sniffing, tidying up the room they were in before heading to the kitchen mumbling about them returning hungry.

After a while, Neville started getting bored watching Ron and Ginny, who were playing a quiet game of Chess. Ron was doing horribly, so Neville knew how worried he must be.

"I am making a clock for myself, Can I have some of your hairs?" asked Neville, breaking the silence.

Ginny looked up at him surprised, then nodded. She went off to find some scissors, when Ron stopped her.

"I have a wand, you know" he muttered, cutting some of his hair, and some of hers. Neville put then in his handkerchief, making sure to keep them separate.

"You can use your wand now too, now that you're of age" said Ron, looking at Neville before starting a new game with Ginny.

Neville sat back in the couch. He had forgotten his birthday. Oh, it's Harry's birthday too! Maybe the wards failed because he was of age?

Neville wondered if his Gran remembered his birthday, since she had better memory then him, but figured she was too preoccupied, saving Harry and all. He thought she was too old to be out fighting, but them again, all the adults were out fighting… Except Molly.

Neville went around the house, and accio'd Blacks hair to him from around the house, adding it to another pile in the handkerchief. Then, realizing Harry must be there often too, accio'd his hair to make another pile as well.

Neville couldn't wait to go home and add the last hairs to his clock, but he was stuck here till people returned. Molly had send her kids to bed, but Neville declined, deciding to read up on defence instead. He would be old enough to join the Order in one year. He'd need to be ready.

The next morning, Neville woke up to sunlight blaring in his face from the window that was in the living room. He never noticed it before. It showed a pasture's field outside, and Neville realized it must be a newly created window. He looked down at his book, groaning at the wrinkled pages that now had some drool on it. He heard someone laugh at him. He looked up and saw Hermione, his face going beet red.

"Don't worry about it, I've done that a few times too" Hermione said, still smiling at Neville. "Here" she said, taping the book and muttering "Libri Scourgify". The pages all straightened and became blindingly clean, the spell even removing the chocolate stain from a week ago.

"Thanks Hermione" he said gratefully. He took out another book of his, repeated the spell out loud. Hermione corrected his pronunciation, and then he cleaned his book. It wasn't as good as Hermione's job, but she looked pleased, so he smiled and did it to the rest of his books that he brought with him. The last book did look almost as good as Hermione's job. Maybe there is something to "practice makes perfect", mused Neville.

Then Harry walked into the room, and Hermione rushed over to him. Neville watched as Harry smiled tiredly, and the two of them went into off to the kitchen. Neville figured they must have called Hermione here when Harry returned. Neville wondered if he'd ever have a friend that close.

Then Gran walked into the room, stared at him a few minutes, then walked over and pulled on his arm to get to the floo.

"Gran" Neville said, looking at her worried. She looked even worse then before and he knew she was going to go drink those potions again.

"What Neville?" She asked. Her eyes were tired, and she looked ready to fall asleep. But Neville knew she'd still take those potions anyways.

"I have some books in the other room that I have to go get" lied Neville.

"Meet me at home then" she muttered. She grabbed some floo powder and took off. Neville looked at the floo sadly for a few minutes then turned to go to the kitchen. He passed by professor Lupin who gave his a small tired smile. Neville smiled back, but hurried further.

He stopped in the kitchen door way, wondering if he should bother Hermione. She was sitting with Ron, Harry and Ginny, who were all trying to convince Harry to eat something. Neville hated when people did that. When his parents took a turn for the worst a few years ago, he got so nervous that he couldn't eat, but Gran made him, forcing him to drink potions to settle his nerves and stomach for a whole week, until he could eat normally himself.

Hermione noticed him though, and got up to go see him. "Are you hungry Neville? There's lots of food, Molly made tons" she said, pointing to the buffet set up of breakfast foods.

"No, actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you, in private?" He asked seriously.

"Um, sure" she said, looking apprehensive.

He followed her up to one of the room upstairs, and sat himself down on the bed. Hermione looked at him, then the bed, and sat herself down on the chair. Neville wondered what was up with that, but knew he needed to hurry and go home, just in case Gran needed something.

"Hermione. You're brilliant at potions" started Neville. Hermione blushed, and looked at him thoughtful. "I need some help" Hermione blinked, straightened up in the chair, then relaxed. "Um, Hermione?" asked Neville, wondering what she was doing.

"Sorry Neville. I just thought you were – Nevermind, go on" she said nervously.

Neville frowned in thought, but started anyways. "Grans been taking a lot of potions lately, almost every day. To help her relax. You aren't going to tell anyone!" asked Neville panicking. He didn't want anyone finding out, they might send her to St. Mungos!

"Don't worry Nev. I won't tell anyone, promise" said Hermione, noticing him get worked up.

"Right" he said, calming down a bit. "Well, see, she's been taking potions, a lot, all the time… especially after Order stuff. And I don't know if it's safe, and I don't think she's being careful and I don't know what to do" rambled Neville.

Hermione looked at him thoughtfully before asking what the names of the potions were.

"Um…"

Hermione smiled softly at him. "Could you send me a list of the potions, and if you can, the frequency she is taking them?" Neville nodded.

"Are you sure you don't want to ask someone, like Professor Snape?" Hermione asked. Neville paled, and shook his head. "OK, that's fine, but after we look into it, if it's bad, we'll talk again, right?" asked Hermione.

"Sure, sure." He said, focusing on the fact that she did promise not to tell anyone.

"Look, I'm sure she's fine" said Hermione reassuringly. "We can look at them just in case, but don't fret."

Neville looked at her smiling at him, and did feel a bit relieved. Nodding, he smiled back tentatively. She got up, and led him downstairs. He grabbed his books and left.

"What was that about, Hermione?" asked Ron, stuffing his mouth full of a chicken sandwich.

"Nothing" she replied. "So, did Neville tell you about the clock?" she said, distracting Ron. Harry noticed the distraction, but said nothing.

When Neville got home, he was quite tired, and after looking in on his Gran, he decided to nap as well. He missed his morning tutor session, but still had a few hours till the afternoon Herbology tutor session started. He really liked that one, because it felt natural, whereas Defence all seemed new. Plants seem so easy to understand, and he didn't know why he was on the top of the class. It was so easy that he figured everyone would do well. But there were actually people failing it. It confused him.

When he woke, he went straight to working on the clock. He opened the front, and took out an arm. He put one pile of red hair onto the arm, and watched as Ginny's face showed up on it. He smiled down at it, and continued. Her arm went to Travelling to Home, while Harry's went to Grims, the name he put down for Grimmauld Place.

When he got to Blacks, he put the black hair in, and watched as Black's face faded into view. It didn't look like the Black that was in the newspapers that he saw fall into the veil, but a much younger looking, healthy Black. But it was definitely him, so Neville re-entered the arm in to the clock. He watched to see the arm turn towards mortal peril, then death. But then it slowly circled the clock. Neville watched it to see if it would find a place to rest, but it kept slowly circling the clock, resting shortly on mortal peril, and then Death, and continuing again.

Neville watched it transfixed. He found it hard to breathe, and it felt like ice was making its way through his veins. Kind of like when the Episkey healing spell was used.

"They must have researched into it. They would know if he was dead or if there was a chance he could come back" said Neville to himself. Just to make sure though, he owled Hermione and asked her about it. He was never good at being inconspicuous, so he settled with blunt. But he didn't mention why, just asking for info on the veil and if they were sure he couldn't come out.

Neville distracted himself when his tutor came, but in the back of his mind, he kept urging the owl to hurry.

When Hermione wrote back, she said that Dumbledore had looked into it, and that there was no way to get him back. She did write a long letter though, including some questions about the upcoming year, and some comments about the incident at the Ministry. Neville thought about 

writing back, eager to have more letters from her, but he was panicking inside. He didn't trust Dumbledore to know about the veil. He was barely at the school at all last year, what with the ministry having taken it over. Once Dumbledore returned, he would have been overwhelmed with work to do.

Neville wondered why Hermione didn't look into it, but he thought it might be to sensitive an area for her. She was probably friends with Black too. And if Hermione was friends with Black, then Black probably wasn't a bad guy. Scary, creepy, and slightly insane from his time at Azkaban, but not a bad guy. He did go to the department of mysteries to save them, after all.

Neville bit his lip. He was never good at research. But he didn't think Black was dead. Even now, as he glanced up as the smiling faces of his friends, he saw Black's hand going around, eerily crawling by death and waiting, before staring full circle again.

'Luna. I'll ask Luna' thought Neville. After checking his Gran, who was once again sleeping, Neville flooed to Luna's place.

Neville got off the floor of the fireplace, and used his hands to brush the dirt off his blue robes.

"Who enters the Lovegood howl's delight today?" Asked Luna from the kitchen.

Neville grinned. He loved how eccentric Luna was.

"That would be, Neville Longbottom" he pronounced, jumping into the kitchen. Luna grinned back at him, and turned back towards a fire in the Kitchen.

"Whatcha making?" asked Neville, staring at the stuff in front of them. There looked like gingerbread men, but were fuzzy orange with eyes that kept glaring at Luna.

"Oh, just a snack. I am going to see if Fred and George will sell them for me," she answered. She started humming to herself as she poked at the little orange men to keep their fur growing longer. Soon Neville couldn't see their eyes at all because of all the fur.

"Luna, I was wondering if you wanted to work on a project with me?"

Soon, they both forgot about the fuzzy blue gingerbread men, and went instead into her Library.

"Sirius is lucky" Luna said, gazing softly into the large bookshelves in the library. Neville just looked at her, and picked out another book on unknown artefacts.

"I mean, I almost want to join him" she continued. Neville froze, then turned to her.

"Luna, I don't want you dead." He said, squinting at her.

"No, I don't want you to want me dead either." She continued, tapping her ring covered fingers together. "But I do want to see my mother. I could hear her, you know, in the veil," she said, 

turning to look at him. "She was asking about Papa, and about something in the attic. I almost went to her, but then, the fight got in the way, and I got distracted."

"But Luna, what if you can't get out?" Neville said, pursing his lips. He didn't have anyone dead that he wanted to see or hear; his parents were both alive, not really living, but alive. But he didn't Luna, one of his few friends, to leave him either.

"But I could get out, just got to find the right spell" she said. "Oh, and someone to call me, of course".

"I would call you," said Neville quietly. Luna smiled at him, and skipped down the row of books towards the end of the shelf.

"Here it is, 'Veils, Hills, and Portals'. The book isn't very pretty though" said Luna. She pulled out her wand and changed the cover from black to a stripped polka-dotted orange and pink pattern.

"Can I see that, Luna?" asked Neville. He was sure that was the book, maybe. Could they get Sirius out? Would that make his Gran better? Maybe it was Black's death that is making her so weird.

Luna passed it to him, and went over to the window to draw on the glass. Neville flipped through the pages, looking for an image of the same veil he saw. But only a few of them had pictures with the descriptions.

"Luna, can I borrow this?" he asked.

"Sure, just make sure you feed it well, all the books are use to being fed and watered every week" she replied.

Neville looked down at the book, trying to figure out how he'd feed or water it.

"Um, Luna. How do I do that?" He asked after a few minutes of trying to figure it out.

"Oh, you just put some water and sugar into a box, and let the books sit, like this" she said, getting up. She grabbed a book from the shelf, and brought it to the end of the bookcase, where there was a glass box already set up. She added some water and sugar, and put the book in, so that the bottom edging of the book was lying in water. "Just make sure that the pages of the book themselves don't get wet".

"Why do we... feed and water them?" he asked, puzzled.

"Even books need to be fed, silly."

With only 2 weeks left until school started, Neville found it hard to get through the book. He wanted to read, he really did, but the text was so hard to read. He'd read a page, and then he 

could barely even make sense of the words anymore and he'd have to put the book down. But he was developing well in both Herbology and Defence. His History tutor kept tsking at him, complaining that Neville didn't learn anything at all in History at Hogwarts. But what could Neville do; Binn's put him to sleep within minutes. But Neville knew he was learning a lot during the summer so he never complained about his tutor's comments about Hogwarts. Without these tutor sessions, Neville knew he'd have failed his OWLs for history like many of the other students had. Luckily, History wasn't needed for many careers.

At the end of the week, Neville set up a glass bowl, and put some water and sugar in it. He wasn't sure how much of each, so he did equal portions. The water was like gel, but Neville wasn't sure if that was wrong. He put the book in, taking care to keep the pages dry, and let it sit over night.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Snape intervention

The next morning, Neville had an hour before he was going to go shopping for his schools books. He was meeting the others at Grimmauld Place. He decided to read another page of Luna's book before heading out. He picked it up, careful not to look at the cover too long; the stripes made his head dizzy. He sat down to read, and surprised himself when, an hour later, he looked at the clock. He was able to get through an entire chapter! And he was Late!!

Neville threw the book down on his bed, and rushed out of the house, yelling bye to his Gran, hoping she wasn't sleeping again. He rushed to the floo, threw the powder in, and realized he forgot his money. He ran back upstairs, grabbed it, and ran downstairs to the floo. And then he realized he was still in his PJ's. Sighing, he ran back upstairs.

"Hey Neville!" said Hermione cheerfully, watching as Neville lifted himself from the ground of the fireplace.

"Hey Hermione" he replied, blushing. He tried wiping the dirt from his clothes, but Hermione muttered "Tergeo", removing all the dirt from Neville.

"Thanks," he said again, glancing up at her.

"No problem. I was just about to go get you. Did you forget?" She asked kindly, mirth playing around in her eyes.

"No, I was reading and I got distracted"

"Oh, what were you reading!" asked Hermione excitedly. Ron threw a glare toward Neville and started stalking off.

"Ron?s" Neville yelled out, wondering what was wrong.

"Oh, never mind him. He's been acting weird lately." Hermione said with a frown. Ron disappeared into the kitchen. Hermione turned back to Neville. He could tell she was curious about the book, but he couldn't tell her.

"So, what have you been doing all summer" he asked, somewhat shyly. Hermione blushed, but went ahead to describe a trip she went on with her parents.

"Do you have the list?" asked Hermione, as they were walking down Diagon Alley.

"What list?" asked Harry, who was eating a chocolate Frog.

"Nothing, Harry" answered Hermione, casting a look at Neville before going into the bookstore. Neville looked at Harry confused for a moment. Harry shrugged his shoulders, then followed Hermione.

'Right! The list of the potions Gram's been taking!' thought Neville. Neville had completely forgotten to get the list for her. He asked Molly if he could go home for a sec, and ran towards the Leaky Cauldron to use the floo.

He got out of the fireplace, and tried the "Tergeo" spell on himself. Well, it kind of worked, mused Neville as he made his way up to his Gran's room quietly. His skin was all red and tender, but his clothes have never been cleaner.

He took out his pad of paper and quill, and went over to the drawer of potions. He knew she replaced the potions every few weeks, so he was able to figure out how often she was using them. He didn't know what they were though, so he took extra care to write the name of the potions down exactly as written on the potion bottle. When he was done, he looked over at his sleeping Gran. She was kind of pale, but otherwise looked ok. Neville thought it was odd how people looked so young when they were asleep.

He took off towards the floo again, only tripping once, and made his way toward the group at the bookstore.

"Oh, glad you're back Neville. Now be a dear and go pick out your books!" said Molly, her eyes darting from child to child as she watched for any mischief.

Neville always wondered if his mom would have been like Molly, but then felt guilty thinking of his mom at St. Mungos. 'Maybe I'll go tonight', he thought. He met Hermione who grinned at him from behind her pile of books. Neville gave her a bemused look before heading off to go find some books for himself. He only needed the curriculum books since his tutors had given him a list earlier in the summer, and he owl-ordered them.

The group of them heading to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour before leaving Diagon Alley. Harry kept sending Neville questioning glances, while Ron stayed far away. Neville kept the twinge in his stomach at bay by concentrating on what Hermione was saying.

"-list, because if you do, I might be able to find out how bad it is." Hermione looked at Neville for an answer. Neville just stared at her, noticing just how dark her eyes really were. Neville jumped when a hand waved in front of his face.

"Ginny, what are you doing!" shrieked Hermione, glaring at the redhead.

"With the two of you off-"

"Like what Ginny" Threatened Hermione, glancing at Harry and back.

"Um... We're heading back now, are you two flooing home or back with us?" she asked meekly, before turning and heading towards her mother who was rubbing stuff off Ron's face.

"Reminds me of first year" mumbled Hermione.

"Huh?" asked Neville.

"Oh, never mind" she said blushing. She started at him for a few minutes. "You know, I've noticed you loosing weight. You know you don't need to, to get… attention, right?"

Neville looked at her confused. "Attention?"

"From girls, you look fine, if that's why-" she trailed off embarrassed.

Neville just looked at her, and then he understood. She was telling him he looked good, cute, or… not ugly. Hmm.

"I just don't want them to win. I need to be able to fight back" he said quietly, watching her.

"What? Oh…" She licked her lips and looked lost in thought, before focusing back on him.

"Do you have the list?"

"Right, here" said Neville as he fumbled in his pocket. He pulled it out and handed it to her. She looked it over and kept an eye on the Weasley's as they packed up to leave.

"Nev, I don't know this one" she said pointing to the one at the bottom of the page, "and I don't think these should be mixed…"

"What do you think I should do?" he asked, dread overcoming him. She started at him for a minute, making him nervous.

"I think we should go see Professor Snape." She held up a hand to stop him from interrupting. "I know you don't want anyone to know, and I promised I wouldn't without your permission. But he would know if this is dangerous. If you're really worried, you can ask him to make the promise too. If he doesn't, we can leave without saying anything."

Neville stared at her, all the possibilities going through his head. Snape boiling his skin in a cauldron, Snape boiling Hermione's skin in a cauldron, Snape using their fingernails for potions…. Or worse, Gran being send to St. Mungo's indefinitely.

"I won't loose Gran" he said, straightening up and looking at her defiantly.

"If we don't find out about these potions soon, you might lose her anyways" said Hermione softly. Neville stared at her disbelieving as she looked at him with worry before going to see Molly.

She came back, and led him to a chair. He watched as the Weasleys all took turn's flooing out of there, Harry glancing at them before following.

"Did you tell them" he asked stonily.

"I said I wouldn't without your permission," said Hermione frowning at him.

"Sorry" he said softly. He closed his eyes, and took a few deep breathes.

"Alright, let's go see Snape-"

"Professor Snape" Hermione corrected.

"Right, Professor Snape, and see what he has to say. If he promises, then we can ask"

"Alright" Hermione replied. They gathered up their things and walked towards Hogwarts. They walked to Hogwarts in a comfortable silence. As they neared the gate, Neville started having second thoughts, and stopped walking.

"It will be alright," she said. She grabbed his hand and held it. They walked towards the Dungeons, with Neville barely noticing where he was. He was enthralled at the feeling of Hermione's hand in his.

When they got to Snape's dungeon and Hermione knocked, Neville once again remembered where he was and started panicking. Hermione glanced over at him as the door opened to reveal Snape.

Neville blinked. Snape stood there, dressed in casual black slacks and a wrinkled black dress shirt. He looked… almost normal. Then Neville looked at his face and saw the sneer.

"And what, can I do for you?" he snarled, turning on them and walking towards the front of the room. Neville looked at Hermione, and she urged him on. They walked in, and Neville took sight of all the various containers lining the walls. Bat wings, brains, pigs' feet, and animal intestines. He frowned to himself, happy to no longer be taking potions. But, he thought as he looked up at Snape staring at him, if he wasn't going to learn potions, then he'd need help from someone who did.

"Someone I know is using a lot of potions, and I need to know if they're dangerous. I need you to promise not to tell anyone before I can tell you about it!" There, Neville did it. He asked for help, after setting out his demands. He saw Hermione giving him a strange look, but he just ignored it and stared confidently up at Snape.

"You want me, to promise you, that I won't tell anyone your secret" said Snape quietly, looking at him without expression. Neville felt his nerves in him give a shudder, but he nodded.

"You would risk this person's health, sanity or life, simply because you do not trust me enough to be able to judge the medical treatment they need. You would let them drown in their own liquids, walk off a broom to their deaths, or fall into a comatose sleep like your parents, simply because I did not give you a promise?" he said, his voice low, and reverberating across the walls.

Well, Neville knew Snape had made a good point. So, he threw the paper out in front of him, his face chalk white.

"Better" Professor Snape said, taking the paper and sitting himself down at this desk. Neville looked at Hermione frantically, so she pushed him forward, leaving her arm on Neville's back. Well, though it didn't relax him, it sure helped take away the panic.

They watched as he drummed his fingers on his desk, before he got up and left the room. Neville looked at Hermione, but she shook her head. So he just stood there.

Then Snape returned, and Neville felt relief. Snape had a few volumes of text with him, and he started flipping through them. Neville saw Hermione looking apprehensively at Snape, and wondered what was wrong. Then she took her hand off his back, and Neville frowned.

She glanced up at him, then quietly walked over the desk and peered over into the books Snape was flipping through. After about 5 minutes of it, Snape stopped flipping and reading, and turned back to him, ignoring Hermione who was stepping back towards Neville.

"These are a dangerous combination, Longbottom". His eyes seemed endless as Neville started back at him. "If the doses you wrote are correct, then their life could be in danger"

Neville swallowed, and opened his mouth but found himself unable to speak. Professor Snape stared down at him, waiting for him to speak. 'Funny', thought Neville, 'he never waited for me to speak in class…'

"It's Gran" he finally said. Professor Snape looked startled, but then frowned.

"And where is she?"

"At home, I can take you…" Neville stopped speaking, as he realized how absurd it would be that Snape would want to come to his home.

"We shall leave in a few moments then, I will consult with Poppy first". With that, Snape turned and headed towards his office. Neville breathed out a sigh, and slumped into a near by chair.

"That was very brave of you," said Hermione. Neville just looked at her. "Really. I mean it. I don't think even Harry would have the guts to ask Professor Snape for help, and you're terrified of him."

Neville felt very lousy that he was terrified of Snape, when Hermione clearly wasn't, but she did say that even Harry would have been scared…. He gave her a small smile, which she returned.

When Snape returned to the room, he handed a heavy book to Neville and some vials of potions to Hermione before disappearing behind the door again. Hermione looked down excitedly at the book Neville was carrying so he lifted it up so she could have a better view at the title. He wasn't interested, Potions were not of interest. Unlike Hermione, he only obsessed about books he read, not every single one of them. He actually saw her panic when Ron had threw a Quidditch book on the ground, and neither Neville nor Hermione every like Quidditch.

Snape returned, and was wearing his regular robes from the classroom. Neville felt much more at ease with him dressed how Neville was use to seeing him. It unnerved him to see his most feared Professor in leisure clothes.

"Come on", Professor Snape said quickly, leading them out of the dungeon. The door to the dungeon slammed behind him, startling Neville. He almost dropped the book. He clutched the huge text closer to him instead, and followed Hermione. He didn't notice Professor Snape's appraising eyes on him.

They walked to the headmaster's office and towards the floo. It looked like the Headmaster was in a meeting, but Neville wasn't sure who any of the people were. One was an old lady with oversized robes with rips through it, another was a stiff man in what looked like a muggle suit (He remembered seeing that kind of clothing in one of Padma's magazines), and the other person was a young lady who looked like a new ministry official.

Professor Dumbledore smiled at them as they went to the floo, and Neville smiled back, though he realized it probably looked like a grimace, considering the pitying look he received back.

After Hermione left the fireplace, Snape walked into it. Neville's eyes widened as he looked at the book he was carrying.

"Professor!" Neville yelled out, startling everyone in the room. Snape looked at him, lips tight. "I – I tend to fall out of the Floo… Maybe…" He held the book out for Snape to hold. Snape took the book, then turned and left through the floo.

Neville looked around the room, aware that he was now beet red.

"Young man" said the man in the Muggle suit. "The easiest way to floo, is to keep your feet separated wide, and your arms down by your waist. It will keep your balance better."

Neville smiled and nodded, and took to the floo. He tried to keep his arms down by his waist, but he panicked and lifted his arms to his chest as he prepared to fall. Coming out of the fireplace, he caught himself with his hands on the ground. "Definitely going to have to try that again," he muttered to himself. He looked up to see Snape smirking at him, and he blushed even deeper.

"This way" he said, leading them towards his Gran's room. When they got there, Neville noticed she was laying exactly the same as before, but looked a bit paler. He bit his lips, but backed out of the way as Snape handed him the book and went to inspect his Gran.

He watched as Snape did a few spells on his Gran. Then Snape went looking through the vials in the drawer. Neville worried that maybe he messed up the spelling or missed one, as Snape starting pulling them all out and spelling them.

"This will tell me the last time they were touched by her," Snape informed them. Neville nodded, keeping very still. Snape stared at him for a moment longer, then continued spelling. "You were very accurate with your notes. Perhaps if you were that accurate in my classes, you could have succeeded."

Neville couldn't tell if that was an insult or a compliment, so he didn't respond. Hermione smiled back at him though, so he did loosen up. While she was watching Snape work on Gran, he noticed her hair was very curly. More curly then he's ever seen anyone's hair, even more then the plant yellow bladderwort. He wondered if his fingers would get caught if he were to…

"Longbottom!"

"Y-Yes," stuttered Neville, looking up at Snape. He didn't look impressed.

"What kinds of nutrition has she had?" Snape repeated.

"Um, I don't know. We haven't eaten together much." Neville thought for a moment, and his face lighted up, "Last week she has some spaghetti, but…" other then that, Neville wasn't sure. Neville tilted his head to the side as he though.

"Pixi" Neville called.

A house-elf in a red and green suit showed up, with pointed shoes with bells on her feet. Neville looked at Hermione as she tried not to laugh. He looked at his House elf and could find nothing weird looking. Professor Snape glared at Hermione as well, which quieted her. So, at least it wasn't just him who didn't know what was funny.

"Pixi, what has Gram's been eating?"

"Oh, Grams not been eating much, Master." Pixi said, pulling her long ears in distress. "Pixi and Pox cook lots of meals, but Mistress only eat bread and butter. And tea." Pixi glazed pitifully towards Neville. "Pixi and Pox tries sir, but Mistress not listen".

"Thank you Pixi; that is all that we need" Professor Snape answered softly. Hermione looked pleased that Snape was polite to the House elf. Neville nodded towards Pixi, who popped out of the room.

"You two may go. I will call if I require assistance." Snape said. Neville looked uncertain about leaving his Gram to Snape, but Hermione grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room.

"So, where is your bedroom?" asked Hermione, looking around at the paintings on the walls.

"Over here" said Neville. His room wasn't tidy, as he wasn't expecting anyone over. Well, this was an example of why is Gram's always told him to keep his room clean, never know when there is unexpected guest…

"This is a cute room," said Hermione, who was inspecting everything, from the plants in his window still, to the bed coverings. Neville blushed in embarrassment, and sat down at the desk.

"What's wrong?" asked Hermione, noticing Neville's discomfort. Neville shook his head. "Snape will take good care of her," said Hermione, mistaking the reason for his distress. Neville nodded and sighed, looking around his room. And noticed the book. Shit.

Neville panicked and ran up to close it, just as Hermione was heading towards it.

"Neville, what-" she exclaimed, as he closed it up and threw it under his pillow on his bed. "What are you hiding" she asked suspiciously.

"Diary" he lied, his ears going red tinged.

"I don't believe you," she said quietly. She crossed her arms and shook her head. "If you didn't want me seeing it, you could have said so. Though I don't know what's so horrible in a book."

She just stood there, looking out his window looking upset. Neville felt his insides shrink. Soon, he couldn't take much more, as she just looked more and more depresses as she was lost in thought.

"Fine, Here" he said, pulling out the book.

"I said I don't need to see it," she said, frowning. "I just don't want you lying to me". Neville looked at her then down at the book.

"Alright." Hermione nodded, then sat down at his desk, as though afraid to look around any more.

"Look, you can look around" Neville blurted out. Then his cheeks went red, and he looked down. At the book. The book that might contain the answer to rescuing Hermione's friend.

"You know how I was making that clock?" Neville asked quietly, looking over at Hermione. Hermione nodded, and stayed quiet, ready to listen.

"Well…. Um…" Neville scratched his head. He wasn't very good with words. 'screw words', he thought. He got up and opened his dresser, pulling the clock out. It was a table clock, so it fitted nicely in a drawer. He put in on the dresser and watched Hermione inspect it. Hermione gasped.

Neville snapped his head to look at the clock, afraid someone's hand went to mortal peril, or .. Death, but no, those slots were empty. He breathed a breath of relief, and looked at Hermione. She just stared at Sirius' hand, going around the clock. He heard her catch her breath as it paused at mortal Peril, and then again at death, and then continue around the clock.

"How, what, I don't understand!" said Hermione confused. She put her hand to her chest, and closed her eyes, breathing in deep breathes. She opened her eyes and looked at Neville.

"You must have messed up when you set it up" she said. Neville was insulted, but Hermione took no notice as she looked back at the clock to watch the hand go around again.

"I did not mess up" declared Neville. Hermione looked up at him, and raised an eyebrow.

"That's the only logical explanation" she retorted, daring him to disagree. Neville just stared at her, getting angry. As if he couldn't put together a simple clock! He shook his head in anger, grabbed the book he had, and slammed it on the desk where Hermione was, then stormed out of the room and down the hall towards his Gran's room.

He was breathing hard, and was unfocused. Snape just looked at him, and continued putting a paste onto his Gran's face and hands. Neville frowned in concentration, as he watched Snape take care of his Gran. She was less pale then before, but that could just be due to the paste on her skin. He stood there for a while, his breathing calming down, as Snape took his Gran's vitals with his wand.

"Neville, I'm sorry" said Hermione, barging into the room. Neville jumped, and Snape scowled towards her but said nothing and he continued what he was doing. It was clear that Hermione had cried. Was crying. There were streaks down her face, and her eyes were bloodshot. Neville immediately felt like crap.

"It's alright Hermione." He said, not looking at her. "I do mess things up a lot, so I understand why you thought that". Snape watched him as he said this, but Neville paid no mind. Neville understood, Hermione could have easily been right.

"No Neville. You rarely mess up. You just-" Hermione threw her hands in the air "You just always over exaggerate when you mess up and never notice when you do things right." Neville turned towards her disbelieving.

"Like this, you were right" Hermione said. She had the book and opened it towards the back, where Neville had yet to read. "It says you can open up the Veil and call someone out, you just have to know how to manipulate the wards and have the right runes set up to hold them from being pulled back in."

Snape got up at this, and snatched the book from Hermione. He scanned the page quickly, before turning to look at Neville.

"You idiot" he said, disbelieving. Neville looked reproached and tried to hold his anger at bay. 'Snape is helping Gran, Snape is going to save Gran. Gran will be alright if I maintain my calm.'

Neville jumped back as hands lifted up his chin. Snape was looking down at him, his eyes still disbelieving but without any smirk, without anger. Neville was confused.

"Neville, you managed to find a way to rescue Black". Snape looked at Neville for a reaction, but found none. "You just saved a man, and possibly this war". Again, Snape studied Neville, but did not find what he was looking for. He let go of Neville's face, and started pacing up and down the room. Neville found it interesting to watch the arrays of emotion go through his faces, Happy, excited, mad, dangerous, pensive, intrigued, angry and dangerous once again. Neville realized he never had seen Snape look at him like that, like he would kill. Sure, angry, beyond angry, but never that… Loath.

Snape suddenly stopped pacing as if he realized what he was doing, and turned towards Neville and Hermione.

"Come here" he ordered. He instructed Hermione and Neville how to remove and replace the salve on his Gran, what warning signs to look for, and advised them that he would return shortly. He then took the book and went to leave the room. He looked back at Neville.

"Are there other books?" he asked, not expecting a positive answer.

"Two, but I don't think they'll help" Neville stuttered.

"Get them for me" Snape said, gesturing to the door irritated when Neville just sat there. Neville hurried to comply and watched Snape's cloak bellow down his ancestral home, wondering what kind of dream he was having. Neville shook his head, and made his way towards his Gran's room.

Hermione was sitting there, staring thoughtfully at his Gran. "Hermione?" asked Neville. She just smiled at him, and patted the ground beside where she sat. He sat down beside her, aware of how awkward things were suddenly. They worked on his Gran together. Every time their hands touched, he felt a zap of electricity, and he wanted to do it again. He wondered, not for the first time, if he was a sadist, since the zap actually kind of hurt, but felt wonderful at the same time. He was pulled out of his reverie at the sound of the door closing downstairs. Neville looked at the bedside clock, and sighed. He forgot about his tutoring today.

"In here, Professor Tutip!" called Neville, as he continued with Gran's left hand. Hermione just looked at him curiously, but waited for the man to show up. Hermione's smile grew into a grin as Professor Tutip entered the room. Neville couldn't blame her. His History tutor tended to wear very bright and colourful robes, accentuated by odd-looking gadgets hanging everywhere.

"Oh, is she alright?" he asked, with his French accent. Neville looked down at Grams.

"Probably" Neville replied.

"Well, would you like to do your history session in here today then? We can keep it mild, keeping to a lecture instead of a see-through, if you like."

"A see-through?" repeated Hermione, who was trying to understand.

"Yes, a see-through" smiled professor Tutip, "We take this" he said, grabbing an odd circular hollow object from his neck, "and we put an object in it. Then we use this" and he pulled off a long pointed string from his waistband, "to decide what time line we want. That way, we can watch history as it unfolded for this object".

Hermione was radiating eagerness at the possibility of learning history this way, and begged Neville with her eyes. Neville looked down at his Gran, and bit his lip nervously.

"Oh, Sorry Nev" she said, "Maybe you can invite me over, when Augusta is better?"

Neville grinned "Sure".

"Alright then" said professor Tutip, "would you like me to continue off with the wizard wars of ancient Egypt?"


End file.
